LIVING WITHOUT GOALS.🙅🏼‍♀️

Is it complacency, contentment, or…COVID?

On Sundays growing up, my dad would video record [V I D E O  R E C O R D] all of his special sporting events to watch after returning home from a fun day out with mi familia.. I think my parents (after brainstorming in totally non-aggressive decibels 😉) thought this was the perfect solution: Mom got Dad’s uninterrupted participation in a full day of forced family time, and Dad got uninterrupted watching of his Pittsburgh Steelers football games or a PGA, PDA, PG-13 golf tournament. 

And in theory, this was the perfect solution: a Dr.-Phil-worthy relationship hack and win-win for every Pollock!  

Except. 

The entire time we were family bonding, my dad’s real attention was on avoiding spoiling the scores of whatever he was taping. We’d pop into a midday matinee, and he’d cover his ears as he’d say, “Four tickets to Love and Basketball, but I’m taping the Steeler’s game, so please don’t tell me anything!” Or we’d be picking out our minigolf ball colors and matching the height of our rental clubs with the height of our waist. At the same time, he’d shout to the entire store, “I’m recording the tournament at home, so please nobody say anything about Tiger!” Or we’d pop into the Rainforest Cafè for a little lunch under a mechanical monkey and jungle-themed afternoon, and he’d walk in scanning the restaurant for TVs playing his game like he was a Jewish mobster worried about running into Don Cahote at a pizzeria in Boston… 

I’ve told you this story because I think my dad’s battle to avoid sports spoilers is a great metaphor for how difficult it is to avoid goal mentality in early January.  

And like my dad, even if we can technically dodge resolution-making, doing so requires extreme efforts, serious blinders, and probably even earmuffs noise-canceling headphones. And then it’s like we’ve made a goal out of avoiding goals!!! In an effort to simplify, we create work.

I’ve been…goal constipated for some time now. I sit down with a journal, a planner, a blank notes doc and try to push something out, but nothing comes.  Umm…exercise every day? I already do that, so I might as well count it as a goal, then I automatically win! Read four books a month? If audiobooks read at 1.2x speed count, got that one in the bag! 

But these goals are all…forced…meaningless…arbitrary.  

Sure, if I’d always struggled with goal constipation (like I do other…constipation…), I wouldn’t be phased by this new blockage. But I used to be a goal machine! I used to go through metaphorical TP rolls like Pete Davidson goes through beautiful women to take care of all my easily-flowing goals!!! (Especially after a cup of coffee.) (← if you know me, you know I don’t drink coffee, but god, I wish I did because how fun is this analogy?)

A bunch of months ago, my goal problem got so concerning that I reached out to Dr. Google for help: “How to set goals,” “Best supplements for setting goals,” “Can acupuncture help with loosening goals?”

Then, while exercising (sticking to that goal!), an idea dawned on me: maybe I can’t push out any goals because, for the first time, I’m like, content.

I let that settle for a minute. 

Content. Huh.

Satisfied. Fulfilled. At ease.

Is that even a thing??!

Hold up. Aren’t these NEW YEARS GOALS “they” tell us to declare, commit to, and track supposed to lead us to…life satisfaction? Fulfillment? Ease? Isn’t that why we’re “encouraged” to buy apps and planners and hire coaches to ensure we achieve them?

But that constant chasing, muscling through, delaying satisfaction, dangling it just ahead of us. It’s like we’re a soda can tied by a string to a JUST MARRIED car thrashing and dragging along, except replace JUST MARRIED with ALMOST HAPPY. Our culture cues us up to be strung along like that pathetic little can (despite the 33,317,215 instagram posts claiming #gratitude). 

If we’re bombarded Every. Single. Year. with this message that we must set new goals and continue to look towards something we haven’t yet achieved,  isn’t the message that we are NEVER going to “arrive” at contentment? Are we supposed to keep climbing and improving and bettering—forever? Till when? Till we die with, unfortunately, a few goals left unchecked. (I Guess “Beat Betty at Bunco” will have to wait until my next lifetime.)

During the height of lockdown, I worked (and maybe you did too!) super hard at finding peace and contentment with this new reality. As it continued to go on and on and variants emerged and morphed and the idea of a clean “end” became more unlikely than a decent Lost finale, for my mental health, I had to stop WHEN-ING my life and find contentment in the NOW. 

Which I did. 

Is it complacent to be content?

A dictionary definition of complacent is “to be content.” 

But our societal slant on the word complacent is “to be a gloating, triumphant, lazy, careless ass.”

I think “complacent” is a word that’s been branded as negative even though it’s just another way of saying a positive. It’s like “fat” used to be before we added “good” in front of it and changed avocado’s image forever. It’s funny how perceived meaning of words shapes our thinking, and in turn, our actions. We might underestimate the power of a good campaign manager…

🥑

Am I allowed to be content?

Even though we’re sold the idea that our goals will lead to our eventual arrival at fulfillment, you and I both know that regardless of whether or not we successfully read 40 books this year, the message next year is not going to be: “Ok amazing! You’re done. Now spend 2023 dwelling in personal satisfaction.” 

Instead, we’re going to get an automated email from our book-tracking app written as if it was JUST FOR US saying, “Dear Talia, congratulations on meeting your goal of 40 books last year! Based on your achievement of this goal, we suggest bumping up your 2023 goal by 5%, which is the precise goal bumpage that studies have shown to lead to the greatest success. How about it? To support you on your way to even greater joy, if you buy five books now to get your year started, we’ll give you a 5% discount! Just use code NEVERGOODENOUGH at checkout to save. If you don’t, well, maintaining is the new failing. You do the math. 😊”

Here’s the real, best, bullshit-less deal: THE BIGGEST THING YOU’LL SAVE BY LEANING INTO CONTENTMENT NOW, IS STRESS.

I used to track my running miles maniacally. I’d set goals, like “44 miles by my trip to Florida!” and not allow myself onto Jet Blue until I ran those 44 miles. It worked great. 

In the winter, when I’d have to shift from running to indoor cycling, I’d post stickies with my Peloton records next to the bike, so I knew what number to beat in 15-, 20-, 30-, 45-, or 60-minute classes. (Because seeing these scores in the computer WAS NOT ENOUGH, I needed it on bright neon chartreuse stickies for Extra Intense Motivation.) This was also effective in helping me crush my previous score nearly every time. The new record, new sticky! Yay! 

This summer, I woke up one day, ripped all the post-its off the wall, and stopped running altogether (a story for another time). I felt like just moving when I wanted, how I wanted, whenever I wanted. I have yet to go back to my app tracking, sticky-note sticking ways. And guess what? I’m in the best shape of my life. (AND I AM 21 WEEKS PREGNANT.)

I believe it’s because stress (as I write in my book Party in Your Plants) is worse for you/us than Cheetos.

But how do I know I’ll get off the couch if I am content? 

Less stress = more zest. 

I’ve found that no-goal-ing has decreased my pressure and exploded my passion! 

It’s a little like these endless stories I keep hearing (since the topic of pregnancy is my small-talk-starter-de-jour) about couples who tracked their ovulation days like an influencer tracks their follower count, but as soon as they paused, stepped away from the pee sticks, and started making love for fun rather than function, they magically got knocked up. 

Less stress = more zest = better sex 😅

Is contentment a religion? A club? What’s the membership fee? Do you have an early-bird discount?

Ummm…going against the grain is always a little funky. Saying “Actually, I didn’t set a new year’s resolution,” at your next ladies’ night might cause some chaos. I’m here for you. Shoot me an email at thing@taliapollock.com if you need a friend, OR if you want to be considered as a talking head interview in the CONTENTMENT CULT documentary I’m currently pitching to Hulu.

How do I recycle my $79 custom planner if I am content? 

Ok. You can still plan shit! Without goals, you still DO THINGS! You make daily choices, you create an agenda, you stick to a schedule, you show up at reservations promptly-ish…

…You just don’t TRACK your habits or measure your happinessworthsuccessblah based off of your tracking of your progress of your habits that’ll get you towards your GOALS. 

Sans goals, I don’t just run around willy nilly. I lead a more intentional life because I’m allowing myself the freedom to choose what I want to do to feel the way I INTEND to feel in my life. I let my intuition guide me. I have confidence that I will know what’s best for me. Removing some of the rigid structures doesn’t mean that chaos will ensue or that drive diminishes. Not having a to-do list doesn't mean you turn into some frat brah eating cheetos for meals.

What do I do instead?

If goals declare a specific set outcome to tunnel-vision and track our way towards reaching that, what’s the opposite? I like the idea of curiosity. 

The writer Elizabeth Gilbert has a great quote about choosing to follow curiosity instead of b-lining our way with goals to our “purpose.”

I heard her say in an interview with Suleika Jaouad, “We cannot know what our purpose is. There isn’t a bell that goes off when we reach it like that water gun game at the carnival. We cannot know. So we might as well do what we want. Curiosity, happiness, joy makes you feel warm inside like vanilla pudding. That’s your guide of what you should be doing.”

(Yes, I, too, am now craving vanilla pudding.)

She says that she pays attention to what gives her excitement and sustained interest. 

I keep taking online classes that sound super fun for goal-free me. There’s neat stuff I’ve loved on places like Skillshare, Udemy, CreativeLive, Domestika, Masterclass, and Insight Timer. For instance, I’ll also just google “humor writing class,” or “hypnobirthing workshop” (starting that this Sunday!), or for Jesse, “men-obsessed-with-wine-while-their-wife-can’t-drink-because-she’s-pregnant support group,” and find some stuff that suits us both. 

I also keep going to random places that spark my interest. Like, I hit up the Dollar Store the other day and bought glitter crayons and was…surprised when they were only….$1. (If only everyone could be as true to their word as the Dollar Shop.) I’ve found myself suddenly interested in cereal. I now get the physical New York Times paper delivered because I much prefer engaging with the news like my dad. I’ve switched from Safari to Chrome as my primary browser!

Yeah, sure, maybe curiosity killed the cat, but it’s energized this bunny. 

 🐰🙋🏼‍♀️

So I wouldn’t usually be a proponent of constipation, but I’m thinking perhaps you’ll join me in making 2022 a year of no shits [about goals]. 

Cheers to contentment 🥂.